by Steven J. Owens (unless otherwise attributed)
Honestly, the Mac commercials with Mac and Windows personified as two guys are funny sometimes, but incredibly smug and pretentious most of the time. I want to film a parody of those annoyingly pretentious macintosh/windows commercials, with an added star, Linux!
The Linux character looks sort of like a friend of mine - a geek who is typically geek-atypical, i.e. not the stereotype of a geek but not normal either. Wearing a t-shirt and jeans, a little scruffy but not that smug, pretentious, trust-fund-baby scruffiness of the Mac character, more of a working-class scruffiness.
Mac and Windows are doing their normal schtick.
Linux is walking back and forth, from off-camera-left to off-camera-right. Sometimes in front of Mac & Windows, sometimes behind. Carrying papers, envelopes, occasionally packages, occasionally interjecting comments.
As Linux passes back and forth he's occasionally tossing letters to Mac or Windows without breaking stride, and smoothly interjecting an answer as Mac or Windows falters and struggles to remember something:
Mac: "Oh yeah, I got that new browser, uh..."
Mac: "Yeah, Camino."
Windows: "Oh yeah, yeah, I heard that has support for that new standard, uh..."
Linux: "CSS 2."
Windows: "Yeah, CSS 2."
(eventually Mac and Windows notice Linux)
Mac: "Hey, uh..."
Mac: "What are you doing?"
Linux (looking slightly surprised and confused): "Multi-tasking..."
Linux: "Don't you two have jobs?
Windows is standing slightly off to one side, looking off to the side with a mildly confused expression.
Mac: "So I've got all of these new multi-tasking abilities and all this open-source software..."
Linux: "Yeah, my cousin BSD taught you all that last month, right?"
A guy with a trenchcoat walks up to windows and opens it to reveal a bunch of shiny, shrink-wrapped software boxes with obviously fake labels: "Latest thing dude, cheap!"
Windows: "Well, uh--"
Linux, without talking or missing a beat leans past Windows to put his hand on the trenchcoat guy's face and shove him away.
Mac: "Yeah, but the thing is, I've got this new-fangled command-line thing..."
Linux: "You know, even the earliest Macs, the ones later rebranded as the Mac Classics, there was an apple key combo that would pop up a command-line dialog."
A guido-looking guy with a sleazy 70s/disco look to him ambles up, leans conspiratorially over to whisper in Windows' ear: "My man, have I got the thing for you! Keep you hard all night long..."
Windows (credulously): "Really?!"
Linux, without talking or missing a beat leans past Windows to put his hand on the guido's face and shoves him away.
Linux: "Of course it wasn't a shell window, it was a Mac assembly code environment with a command-line interface."
An enzyte-looking guy walks up and grins maniacally at Windows:
Windows reacts with a sort of interested/hopeful look on his face, but Linux just interrupts, leans past Windows, puts his hand on the enzyte-looking guy's face and shoves.
Mac: "Wow, he falls it every time, doesn't he."
Linux: "Sigh (shakes head)... Every fucking time."
Windows acts annoying in some way.
Linux (looking off-camera): "Hey Windows, I think I hear your mother calling you."
Windows (turns and looks): "Mom?" (wanders off-camera)
Linux (shakes head with a wry grin): "Every fucking time..."
Mac and Window are each holding an envelope in front of them, standing shoulder to shoulder and sort of ignoring each other.
Windows: "I have the best email capabilities."
Mac: "No way dude, I most definitely have the best email capabilities."
Linux, walking past behind them, looks up and steps up behind/between them, putting a hand on each's shoulder and turning them slightly in, towards each other.
Linux: "Hey guys, what's up."
Mac: "I have great email capability."
Windows: "So do I!"
Mac: "I can send email, receive email-"
Windows: "So can I!"
Windows: "I can send file attachments!"
Mac: "So can I."
Linux: "Guys, guys, you're both cool."
Linux: "Uhm... (taking the envelopes out of their hands) you want me to deliver those?"
Mac and Windows are talking on the usual white background.
Linux walks by, pauses, looks around with an odd look on his face.
Linux grabs the white and pulls it aside, revealing some sort of urban environment (a brick wall, etc, urban street, traffic, whatever).
Mac and Windows freak out.
Linux: "Sorry! Sorry!"
Linux frantically puts the white background back up.
Linux: "Look this way (pointing towards camera & slightly stage-right). Look this way. Warm safe place. Warm safe place."
Mac: "Watch all the cool stuff I can do."
Mac: "I can load files from a webserver..." (turns to another linux guy)
Mac: "I can send email." (turns to another linux guy)
Having said all this, Macs do have plenty cool - it's just that it's hard to remember that when they're being pretentious.
Mac is looking at a really nice printed proof of a print design project.
Linux (looking over Mac's shoulder): "What's up?"
Mac: "Just finished the new design."
Mac (nods vaguely).
Linux: "You know..."
Linux: "You're pretty cool when you're not so busy being a pretentious jerk."
Linux (to Windows): "Okay, let's go."
Mac: "Where you guys going?"
Linux (over his shoulder): "Gonna go play some video games."
Mac: "Can I come?"
Linux (over his shoulder): "Got any video games?"
The Mac 1u Server: a very hot woman who otherwise looks sort of like Linux: Jeans, t-shirt, not-quite-so-stylishly scruffy.
Mac and Linux are chatting.
Mac: "So what have you got against Macs?"
Linux (looking distracted past Mac): "What makes you think I have something against Macs?"
Mac: "Well sometimes I think you don't like me."
Linux: "You're kidding, I like some Macs just fine..."
Camera pulls back to reveal Mac 1u over where Linux is looking.
Cisco, a hot woman with a shirt that has the Golden Gate bridge across the front.
Linux (looking offstage): "Gotta go guys."
Linux: "Gotta hot date with Cisco."
Cisco (walks by, grabs Linux's shirt, smooches him and drags him off)